Fit Me Journal Day - 2Jun 28, 2019
10x in my world...
Georgia is 10 days old. In a weird way, time feels like it has sped up. What feels like 20 min can easily be 2 hours, but in a good way. I think..."I'll feed her real quick, we'll get dressed, I'll hold her for a few min and then we will do...x." But then, as if lost in a time warp, hours past. We often don't do (x).
It's exactly like falling in love. But with more diapers.
At 10 days post partum, I physically feel really good. I'm not doing much more than pelvic floor breathing drills and some yard walking. But just moving around the house is so much easier than I remember after having the boys. I attribute it both to being very active in pregnancy and also to the fact that I didn't need any stitches.
Emotionally though... it's like a roller coaster. On Sunday morning Josh will head back to Virginia. Emotionally and just practically this reality feels hard. Maybe even harder than him leaving for deployment. I know the same magic (hormones) that speed up time also makes my emotions 10x...but it definitely sucks.
I built up a lot of armor over the past year. My armor allowed me to be independent, deal with craziness, do things solo, be support for the boys...coach my clients and build Fit Me Nutrition at full speed and just do life. But the past 2 weeks have removed every bit of that armor. I feel weak and exposed.
I have a hard time imagining only seeing Josh occasionally for the next few months. Having my partner here for the past 2 weeks has been such a relief. But, the reality of military service is doing your job....showing up regardless of what else is happening in your life...and being where you are needed in the world. Our reality isn't new, just a hard pill to swallow this week.
I also feel incredibly happy and content. It's unsettling to feel both extremes so clearly.
Don't worry...between my mom and the sisterhood of friendships here, I am not alone by any means. The rational part of my brain knows this is true.
After a brief pity party for myself the other day, I reminded myself how many single moms do this everyday, in much harder circumstances. I reminded myself how much easier it is to communicate with Josh in Virginia, then when his ship was deployed. And of course, I reminded myself how perfect and beautiful Georgia is...how amazing my boys are...my priceless gifts.
I'll keep reminding myself those things until some of that armor comes back...or until my crazy hormones quit hijacking my emotions.
I hope you don't mind my honesty. Things are wonderful...but also a little raw.
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